Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
The Big Year
Dear Maturing Girl,
As you grow into a woman, I would like you to know that the world is full of men who are ready to pounce on you. I would like you to know that you should worry not, cause I might or might not be one of them .
On my way to posting this blog-post I met this lady with such a big handbag and I couldn't help but think that she has definitely named it Baghdad . hahaha. I'd like to start this post by blaming all IBA[International Business Administration] students for the airing of Hostel the supposedly Ugandan sitcom in Kenyan television. There has been so much drama this week, but what tops the cream is the miniskirt law of Swazi land. I mean girls getting jailed for 6months for wearing short skirts, charges will be, yeah you guessed it, enticing rapists #dead. Lol, I think King Mswati should go ahead and make a law against parents for having babies cause they might also be enticing pedophiles :(. Besides that, my skype buddy from NY city, asked what season we are on in Kenya, I couldn't help but laugh and answer "see Kenya is just like any other human population, we have only two seasons, the rainy season for all women and the dry-spell for some men" .
Happy were the days when your pal called Mercy asked you if you had a D, she was actually asking you about your poor grades. But woe is today, when the angry black man who started rap music would wake up and get angrier after listening to 2chainz album ;(. Bad grammar has to be the worst thing than waking up as a Mayan. You really owe it to your ancestors, these men and women went through crazy options i.e amputation or castration so that they master the queens language. With that in mind how do you text me "I'm feelin Xexxy tonight" what in Elton John's pants is that? I mentioned Mayans somewhere in this prose, and it would only be fair if I said that I think we are safe until the Brits finally produce a movie we'll understand ;( haha oh and when we finally know what 'Vidonge' from Size8's song means :D. Talking about Size8, I live to see the day she gets pregnant and see what size she would be :o
2014 has unraveled that when the Kenyan Government says Kenya has a lot of man power, they are actually talking about JKUAT[Jommo Kenyatta University of Agriculture & Technology] haha #get it. It has also been a sad year, my condolences to everyone who lost someone in the Al-Shabaab attacks :(. In 2015 the Government should not even allow this pricks to blow their own horns . haha, it might be fatal #dead #see what I did There#. Yes my NY skype buddy, we are Africans don't go for ship cruises to the West cause, hahaha, we ain't falling for that shit again . I mean once bitten in the 1700's twice shy! And as I prepare to enter 2015 I have to say, from my folly or wisdom [thin line] I'm beginning to think Cain, the guy in the Bible who killed his brother, and got cursed to wander forever, yes that guy might probably be Johny Walker haha, if you think about .
So 3 Kalenjins went into a bar, and ran it , then came the 3 Kikuyus who went to the bar to cheque it out . haha, then the 3 Coastarians who tried to get into the bar .haha #dead, and finally there were the 3 Somali's who blew there chance of getting into the bar.. Let me not mention the 3 SDAs who got frozen at Java coffee house . haha, anyway my point is if all these people entered the bar together, they would do an awesome job to it #word.. So in 2015 lets try some national cohesion..
Remember, always thank God for seeing you halfway through 2014, ask for His blessings in 2015 and if you have to be with the crowd, then be behind the crowd so that you learn from their mistakes!
As you grow into a woman, I would like you to know that the world is full of men who are ready to pounce on you. I would like you to know that you should worry not, cause I might or might not be one of them .
On my way to posting this blog-post I met this lady with such a big handbag and I couldn't help but think that she has definitely named it Baghdad . hahaha. I'd like to start this post by blaming all IBA[International Business Administration] students for the airing of Hostel the supposedly Ugandan sitcom in Kenyan television. There has been so much drama this week, but what tops the cream is the miniskirt law of Swazi land. I mean girls getting jailed for 6months for wearing short skirts, charges will be, yeah you guessed it, enticing rapists #dead. Lol, I think King Mswati should go ahead and make a law against parents for having babies cause they might also be enticing pedophiles :(. Besides that, my skype buddy from NY city, asked what season we are on in Kenya, I couldn't help but laugh and answer "see Kenya is just like any other human population, we have only two seasons, the rainy season for all women and the dry-spell for some men" .
Happy were the days when your pal called Mercy asked you if you had a D, she was actually asking you about your poor grades. But woe is today, when the angry black man who started rap music would wake up and get angrier after listening to 2chainz album ;(. Bad grammar has to be the worst thing than waking up as a Mayan. You really owe it to your ancestors, these men and women went through crazy options i.e amputation or castration so that they master the queens language. With that in mind how do you text me "I'm feelin Xexxy tonight" what in Elton John's pants is that? I mentioned Mayans somewhere in this prose, and it would only be fair if I said that I think we are safe until the Brits finally produce a movie we'll understand ;( haha oh and when we finally know what 'Vidonge' from Size8's song means :D. Talking about Size8, I live to see the day she gets pregnant and see what size she would be :o
2014 has unraveled that when the Kenyan Government says Kenya has a lot of man power, they are actually talking about JKUAT[Jommo Kenyatta University of Agriculture & Technology] haha #get it. It has also been a sad year, my condolences to everyone who lost someone in the Al-Shabaab attacks :(. In 2015 the Government should not even allow this pricks to blow their own horns . haha, it might be fatal #dead #see what I did There#. Yes my NY skype buddy, we are Africans don't go for ship cruises to the West cause, hahaha, we ain't falling for that shit again . I mean once bitten in the 1700's twice shy! And as I prepare to enter 2015 I have to say, from my folly or wisdom [thin line] I'm beginning to think Cain, the guy in the Bible who killed his brother, and got cursed to wander forever, yes that guy might probably be Johny Walker haha, if you think about .
So 3 Kalenjins went into a bar, and ran it , then came the 3 Kikuyus who went to the bar to cheque it out . haha, then the 3 Coastarians who tried to get into the bar .haha #dead, and finally there were the 3 Somali's who blew there chance of getting into the bar.. Let me not mention the 3 SDAs who got frozen at Java coffee house . haha, anyway my point is if all these people entered the bar together, they would do an awesome job to it #word.. So in 2015 lets try some national cohesion..
Remember, always thank God for seeing you halfway through 2014, ask for His blessings in 2015 and if you have to be with the crowd, then be behind the crowd so that you learn from their mistakes!
Epistle To My unborn Daughter!
Dear Nnandi,
By the time you're reading this letter, NASA has already abducted me to study my 193 IQ, but don't you worry child as much as I am light -skinned and slightly hairy, I won't take the banana they offer me . Or I'm just dead asleep in my room. By the lack of the F, B and N words, you've clearly realized this not the lyrics to Tupac's hit record. Let not the few riches I've amassed within the years deceive you that you were born on a silver plate, hahaha you were born in a hospital . But your birth was the best thing ever. from that day I stopped calling your mum Babe, and you earned the name. Your mum, oh your mum, I'm still skin deep into her and every beat of the 72 are her. I hope you also find someone.
I know many have asked you why the name Nnandi? oh well, first you have to know i have no intentions of enrolling you to the Kenyan athletics team. Of-course this means you can run late to work . Your mum and I hated Western o and more even Eastern World names, imagine they called me Naphtali and I'm not even Israelite. Independence from the West is one of the few things I had in common with Mr. Uhuru Kenyatta[you'll read about him in history class] but I still look good in my Italian suit #dead
Now that the world is a global village, you'll probably be on skype. Yes skype, now skype, see as you'll come to see before the 2017 elections Kenya was under uncertainty if we'll be ruled through skype[again don't sleep in history class esp this lesson]. I bet you'll have a friend from China called Yung, and just like Yung, how I wish you'd be young forever ;(. See as I write this, there is no female pillar in the society. I think the women today misunderstood what Mother Teressa was giving. It's unfortunate that women like Rihanna are the pillars, guess she really can't be beaten down. Apparently most women are today have the D generation going on, what a degeneration of a generation. I can only imagine your generation. This is why, I hired a private investigator for you to find the woman who wrote The Letter To Huddah Monroe and Shee[who is this Shee?] google it and read it. The whimsy me wants to believe that she is either way too ugly or just morally upright .
Now that ugly is a subject, Nnandi your light skin is not ugly. Look at Vera Sidika , I just didn't want you to do a verapy when you are still young. Oh I also got you light-skinned so that I could laugh at the tall, dark and handsome boys in school if they friendzone you. Hence you maintain your educational goal. Please don't get mad, when you finish high school, I'll tell you what the female pawpaw told the male pawpaw....Grow some.. Hair that is. Nnandi stay focus.
So now you're in campus. Nnandi, daddy hates the girls who open and close the clubs, don't be that girl. Don't be that girl who when she takes water it becomes a surprise to your liver. Sex lives in campus, forget what your friend, music and movies tell you. Remember Naphtali Sila is your daddy whenever a silly man will ask you that question cause he will be *scratching that thought*. If you're practising, listen to your science teacher, protected then. If you haven't started yet. Don't, think of it this way, what if God wanted to bring Jesus again in the world through a woman, wouldn't you want to be a possible candidate? Your move Nnandi.
It only makes sense that the world will keep rotting by the time you are born. Babe, be strong. Today we have crime, murder, use of drugs[in Kenya its weed time], prostitution[almost got legalised smh] and the new Sheriff in town being homo. stay away from this, I know you human but some of this madness you can keep away from. These are all short cuts in life, short cuts from hard work, short cuts from wanting to wait for your planned opposite sex e.t.c. Mimic Jesus[the awesome guy who died for you], when He didn't take the myrrh on the cross to ease the pain. Patience pays, you'd understand this better if you were on a line at Equity bank hahaha .
Last but not least, if you ever end up with metallic legs, like Oscar Pistorius, please don't kill your spouse. Trust me escaping prison would be really hard especially getting past the electric fence.
Yours Truly,
Future Loving Dad,
By the time you're reading this letter, NASA has already abducted me to study my 193 IQ, but don't you worry child as much as I am light -skinned and slightly hairy, I won't take the banana they offer me . Or I'm just dead asleep in my room. By the lack of the F, B and N words, you've clearly realized this not the lyrics to Tupac's hit record. Let not the few riches I've amassed within the years deceive you that you were born on a silver plate, hahaha you were born in a hospital . But your birth was the best thing ever. from that day I stopped calling your mum Babe, and you earned the name. Your mum, oh your mum, I'm still skin deep into her and every beat of the 72 are her. I hope you also find someone.
I know many have asked you why the name Nnandi? oh well, first you have to know i have no intentions of enrolling you to the Kenyan athletics team. Of-course this means you can run late to work . Your mum and I hated Western o and more even Eastern World names, imagine they called me Naphtali and I'm not even Israelite. Independence from the West is one of the few things I had in common with Mr. Uhuru Kenyatta[you'll read about him in history class] but I still look good in my Italian suit #dead
Now that the world is a global village, you'll probably be on skype. Yes skype, now skype, see as you'll come to see before the 2017 elections Kenya was under uncertainty if we'll be ruled through skype[again don't sleep in history class esp this lesson]. I bet you'll have a friend from China called Yung, and just like Yung, how I wish you'd be young forever ;(. See as I write this, there is no female pillar in the society. I think the women today misunderstood what Mother Teressa was giving. It's unfortunate that women like Rihanna are the pillars, guess she really can't be beaten down. Apparently most women are today have the D generation going on, what a degeneration of a generation. I can only imagine your generation. This is why, I hired a private investigator for you to find the woman who wrote The Letter To Huddah Monroe and Shee[who is this Shee?] google it and read it. The whimsy me wants to believe that she is either way too ugly or just morally upright .
Now that ugly is a subject, Nnandi your light skin is not ugly. Look at Vera Sidika , I just didn't want you to do a verapy when you are still young. Oh I also got you light-skinned so that I could laugh at the tall, dark and handsome boys in school if they friendzone you. Hence you maintain your educational goal. Please don't get mad, when you finish high school, I'll tell you what the female pawpaw told the male pawpaw....Grow some.. Hair that is. Nnandi stay focus.
So now you're in campus. Nnandi, daddy hates the girls who open and close the clubs, don't be that girl. Don't be that girl who when she takes water it becomes a surprise to your liver. Sex lives in campus, forget what your friend, music and movies tell you. Remember Naphtali Sila is your daddy whenever a silly man will ask you that question cause he will be *scratching that thought*. If you're practising, listen to your science teacher, protected then. If you haven't started yet. Don't, think of it this way, what if God wanted to bring Jesus again in the world through a woman, wouldn't you want to be a possible candidate? Your move Nnandi.
It only makes sense that the world will keep rotting by the time you are born. Babe, be strong. Today we have crime, murder, use of drugs[in Kenya its weed time], prostitution[almost got legalised smh] and the new Sheriff in town being homo. stay away from this, I know you human but some of this madness you can keep away from. These are all short cuts in life, short cuts from hard work, short cuts from wanting to wait for your planned opposite sex e.t.c. Mimic Jesus[the awesome guy who died for you], when He didn't take the myrrh on the cross to ease the pain. Patience pays, you'd understand this better if you were on a line at Equity bank hahaha .
Last but not least, if you ever end up with metallic legs, like Oscar Pistorius, please don't kill your spouse. Trust me escaping prison would be really hard especially getting past the electric fence.
Yours Truly,
Future Loving Dad,
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