Saturday, September 27, 2014

Kendrick Lamar - "i" (Love Myself) (LYRIC VIDEO)

Kendrick Lamar - I Love Myself.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Wiz Khalifa - Promises [Official Video]

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Chris Brown - Loyal (Explicit) ft. Lil Wayne, Tyga

New 50 Cent Ft The Game, Eminem & Lil Wayne (2014) "Im Ill" (Remix)

New Kendrick Lamar ft 50 cent & Nas (2014) "True" (Explicit)

Monday, August 25, 2014

Ellie Goulding - How Long Will I Love You

Ellie Goulding - How Long Will I Love You [Lyrics]

Diamond Platnumz - Mdogo Mdogo (Official Video)

Dear Maturing Girl,
As you grow into a woman, I would like you to know that the world is full of men who are ready to pounce on you. I would like you to know that you should worry not, cause I might or might not be one of them .
On my way to posting this blog-post I met this lady with such a big handbag and I couldn't help but think that she has definitely named it Baghdad . hahaha. I'd like to start this post by blaming all IBA[International Business Administration] students for the airing of Hostel the supposedly Ugandan sitcom in Kenyan television. There has been so much drama this week, but what tops the cream is the miniskirt law of Swazi land. I mean girls getting jailed for 6months for wearing short skirts, charges will be, yeah you guessed it, enticing rapists #dead. Lol, I think King Mswati should go ahead and make a law against parents for having babies cause they might also be enticing pedophiles :(. Besides that, my skype buddy from NY city, asked what season we are on in Kenya, I couldn't help but laugh and answer "see Kenya is just like any other human population, we have only two seasons, the rainy season for all women and the dry-spell for some men" .
Happy were the days when your pal called Mercy asked you if you had a D, she was actually asking you about your poor grades. But woe is today, when the angry black man who started rap music would wake up and get angrier after listening to 2chainz album ;(. Bad grammar has to be the worst thing than waking up as a Mayan. You really owe it to your ancestors, these men and women went through crazy options i.e amputation or castration so that they master the queens language. With that in mind how do you text me "I'm feelin Xexxy tonight" what in Elton John's pants is that? I mentioned Mayans somewhere in this prose, and it would only be fair if I said that I think we are safe until the Brits finally produce a movie we'll understand ;( haha oh and when we finally know what 'Vidonge' from Size8's song means :D. Talking about Size8, I live to see the day she gets pregnant and see what size she would be :o
2014 has unraveled that when the Kenyan Government says Kenya has a lot of man power, they are actually talking about JKUAT[Jommo Kenyatta University of Agriculture & Technology] haha #get it. It has also been a sad year, my condolences to everyone who lost someone in the Al-Shabaab attacks :(. In 2015 the Government should not even allow this pricks to blow their own horns . haha, it might be fatal #dead #see what I did There#. Yes my NY skype buddy, we are Africans don't go for ship cruises to the West cause, hahaha, we ain't falling for that shit again . I mean once bitten in the 1700's twice shy! And as I prepare to enter 2015 I have to say, from my folly or wisdom [thin line] I'm beginning to think Cain, the guy in the Bible who killed his brother, and got cursed to wander forever, yes that guy might probably be Johny Walker haha, if you think about .
So 3 Kalenjins went into a bar, and ran it , then came the 3 Kikuyus who went to the bar to cheque it out . haha, then the 3 Coastarians who tried to get into the bar .haha #dead, and finally there were the 3 Somali's who blew there chance of getting into the bar.. Let me not mention the 3 SDAs who got frozen at Java coffee house . haha, anyway my point is if all these people entered the bar together, they would do an awesome job to it #word.. So in 2015 lets try some national cohesion..
Remember, always thank God for seeing you halfway through 2014, ask for His blessings in 2015 and if you have to be with the crowd, then be behind the crowd so that you learn from their mistakes!

Epistle To My unborn Daughter!

Dear Nnandi,
By the time you're reading this letter, NASA has already abducted me to study my 193 IQ, but don't you worry child as much as I am light -skinned and slightly hairy, I won't take the banana they offer me . Or I'm just dead asleep in my room. By the lack of the F, B and N words, you've clearly realized this not the lyrics to Tupac's hit record. Let not the few riches I've amassed within the years deceive you that you were born on a silver plate, hahaha you were born in a hospital . But your birth was the best thing ever. from that day I stopped calling your mum Babe, and you earned the name. Your mum, oh your mum, I'm still skin deep into her and every beat of the 72 are her. I hope you also find someone.
I know many have asked you why the name Nnandi? oh well, first you have to know i have no intentions of enrolling you to the Kenyan athletics team. Of-course this means you can run late to work . Your mum and I hated Western o and more even Eastern World names, imagine they called me Naphtali and I'm not even Israelite. Independence from the West is one of the few things I had in common with Mr. Uhuru Kenyatta[you'll read about him in history class] but I still look good in my Italian suit #dead
Now that the world is a global village, you'll probably be on skype. Yes skype, now skype, see as you'll come to see before the 2017 elections Kenya was under uncertainty if we'll be ruled through skype[again don't sleep in history class esp this lesson]. I bet you'll have a friend from China called Yung, and just like Yung, how I wish you'd be young forever ;(. See as I write this, there is no female pillar in the society. I think the women today misunderstood what Mother Teressa was giving. It's unfortunate that women like Rihanna are the pillars, guess she really can't be beaten down. Apparently most women are today have the D generation going on, what a degeneration of a generation. I can only imagine your generation. This is why, I hired a private investigator for you to find the woman who wrote The Letter To Huddah Monroe and Shee[who is this Shee?] google it and read it. The whimsy me wants to believe that she is either way too ugly or just morally upright .
Now that ugly is a subject, Nnandi your light skin is not ugly. Look at Vera Sidika , I just didn't want you to do a verapy when you are still young. Oh I also got you light-skinned so that I could laugh at the tall, dark and handsome boys in school if they friendzone you. Hence you maintain your educational goal. Please don't get mad, when you finish high school, I'll tell you what the female pawpaw told the male pawpaw....Grow some.. Hair that is. Nnandi stay focus.
So now you're in campus. Nnandi, daddy hates the girls who open and close the clubs, don't be that girl. Don't be that girl who when she takes water it becomes a surprise to your liver. Sex lives in campus, forget what your friend, music and movies tell you. Remember Naphtali Sila is your daddy whenever a silly man will ask you that question cause he will be *scratching that thought*. If you're practising, listen to your science teacher, protected then. If you haven't started yet. Don't, think of it this way, what if God wanted to bring Jesus again in the world through a woman, wouldn't you want to be a possible candidate? Your move Nnandi.
It only makes sense that the world will keep rotting by the time you are born. Babe, be strong. Today we have crime, murder, use of drugs[in Kenya its weed time], prostitution[almost got legalised smh] and the new Sheriff in town being homo. stay away from this, I know you human but some of this madness you can keep away from. These are all short cuts in life, short cuts from hard work, short cuts from wanting to wait for your planned opposite sex e.t.c. Mimic Jesus[the awesome guy who died for you], when He didn't take the myrrh on the cross to ease the pain. Patience pays, you'd understand this better if you were on a line at Equity bank hahaha .
Last but not least, if you ever end up with metallic legs, like Oscar Pistorius, please don't kill your spouse. Trust me escaping prison would be really hard especially getting past the electric fence.
Yours Truly,
Future Loving Dad,

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

City in my BackPack

Amileena - Why

Habida ft Cannibal - MY REASON

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Four days after a three-week strike, during which strike number of employees continued to work, the union posted Jack London’s “Definition of a Scab” on the union bulletin boards on company premises. It reads as follows:

Definition of a Scab

After God had finished the rattlesnake, the toad, and the vampire, he had some awful substance left with which he made a SCAB. A SCAB is a two-legged animal with a corkscrew soul, a water logged brain, and a combination backbone made of jelly and glue. Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.

When a SCAB comes down the street men turn their backs and angels weep in Heaven, and the devil shuts the gates of Hell to keep him out. No man has the right to SCAB, so long as there is a pool of water deep enough to drown his body in, or a rope long enough to hang his carcass with. Judas Iscariot was a gentleman….. compared with a SCAB; for betraying his master, he had the character to hang himself – a SCAB hasn’t.

Essau sold his birthright for a mess of porrage. Judas Iscariot sold his Savior for thirty pieces of silver. Benedict Arnold sold his country for a promise of a commission in the British Army. The modern strikebreaker sells his birthright, his country, his wife, his children and his fellow men for an unfulfilled promise from his employer, trust or corporation.

Essau was a traitor to himself. Judas Iscariot was a traitor to God. Benedict Arnold was a traitor to his country. A strikebreaker is a traitor to himself, a traitor to his God, and a traitor to his country, a traitor to his family and a traitor to his class.

There is Nothing Lower than a Scab.

The company ordered the postings removed from the bulletin boards under threat of disciplinary action. The postings would create animosity among employees.

The union contended that the company violated the employees’ Section 7 rights and Section 8(a)(1) of the Act. The union contended that it had legitimate interest in strengthening employee support and cohesion for future economic strikes. The company contended that the postings were beyond the protection of Sections 7 and 8(a)(1).

Which party has the burden of proof in this case? Has the Act been violated? Decide.

[Southwestern Bell Tel. CO., 276 NLRB 1053, 120 LRMM 1145]

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

America's Got Talent 2012 - Season 7 Episode 20

The Rise of the male socialite…… The Vee Daddy story

In a female dominated industry, a new man is determined to break the rules. Meet Vee Daddy, a 27 year old male whose claim to fame is 200 Instagram likes on his abs picture.

“It was totally unexpected. I rarely got likes there. At most, I would get 15 likes but after I posted my abs….. Sky was the limit”.

Soon after that his abs went viral and his first socialite deal saw him get in to local music videos.

He adds “My job was to basically oil my body, stay shirtless and shake my waist lingala style”. He is rumoured to be dating numerous wealthy women as it is not clear how he has been able to maintain his lavish lifestyle.

“I am rich, I run some businesses plus I’m paid thousands of dollars to attend events, at least $ 5000 an hour.”

Asked about his Bata ‘Ngoma’ shoes…. He claimed that they were expensive and cost him $ 2000. He has received a lot of criticism lately for his latest crotch enhancement surgery which he proudly flaunts in his skinny jeans.

“My work demands that I do this….. The haters will never understand…. Hi hi hi”

In addition to that, his skin has mysteriously darkened over the past days.

“I visited a specialist in London who did my skin darkening procedure. In my line of work, dark guys are on demand. Have you ever heard of any lady saying that she wants a Tall, light and handsome guy?….. Exactly”

One thing for sure Vee Daddy has caught our attention and is making waves in the industry.

Thousands of Girls Dumped as World Cup Begins

The FIFA World Cup which is to begin on the 13th of June has drawn much attention world over. In this particular case however, it has been for all the wrong reasons.

Relationship counsellors world over are reporting a sudden surge in the increase of their clients.

“Its crazy, I have never seen anything like this before….. Its a crisis. We now have an influx of single women that could cripple the contraceptive industry leading to a massive loss of jobs and a stunted economy” – Said Mike who is a Relationship Therapist who held an Economics degree

“I don’t know what to do…. He just came home and said that we are not a great MATCH anymore…. And there was nothing I had done. This is even worse than the time he buys FIFA video games or when the premier league begins” Said a distressed lady who did not want to be named.

It is reported that the men who have chosen to end their mostly fulfilling relationships have used popular football phrases to end their love lives. These lines include….

“I think I need a substitution. My heart can’t run…. It has a hamstring injury”

“I think I should relegate you seeing that I am currently out of your league”

“I’m better off alone in the box during a ball to hand situation”

“Since I’m out of contract, I’d like some time to explore my options in free agency…. “

And many others. Relationship economist Mike Broke says “This crisis may not be a bad thing after all. Many other industries may grow as a result. Take for example Ice Cream and Chocolate….. If I was you I would invest in that”

Though it is not clear how long this crisis will last, one thing that is for sure is that someone needs to write a book for women named ‘Why he dumped you during the Football season and how to get him back’.

(Bonus: if you actually do this make a sequel based on the Champions League, European Championships ans African Cup of Nations)

Man forced to carry handbag after being evicted by wife….

A 36 year old man was evicted from his own home after a disagreement over the remote control during the World Cup period.

The man who refused to be named but is popularly known as Mikeyz was seen walking around town in what is know as a ‘Tonight I aint sleeping home’ handbag.

This handbag is popular with ladies who love the club scene and use it to carry an extra pair of clothes, shoes, toothbrush, make up, push up bra, undies, seasoning plus spices, charger, phone battery, USB cable, slice of pizza, wig, tissue paper, sanitizer, pads, condoms, pepper spray, earphones, a copy of 50 shades of Grey, bathing soap, hair dye, shaving blades, blow dryer, and nail polish.

his wife is rumoured to have given him this military device as he pleaded with her to give him a bag during their altercation.

“I had no option…. Last night when I went to a club to watch football, I was beaten up by bouncers. They accused me of stealing this bag. I didn’t even watch the game. I’m a sad man”

He was then forced to go to a gay bar where he was welcomed with open arms by men who assumed that he was a ‘Guy chic’.

“I think that I was the first broke gay guy at that club. I could only afford a bottle of water.”

This desperate man is now left only hoping that the menimist movement will come save him from what he describes as the ‘Solange syndrome’

Nairobi welcomes its first Kegel Gym

Nairobi witnessed the opening of its latest trend after yoga….. A kegel gym. Hundreds of people were spotted scrambling to apply for the classes in fashion that could only be described as similar to the launch of a new I-phone.

“I camped here all night just to be the first member. Ever since I peed after my boyfriend told me a funny joke I knew I had a problem. I’m glad we have this gym” said Jane their first member.

The gym named ‘House of Kegel’ features a steam bath, a 50 toilet gym for pee kegel sessions, a kegel weight room and of course a KEG bar (This is where the members take their liquids for their keg pee excersise)

Several men were also spotted as they didn’t want to miss out on a great opportunity to deal with their ‘Short comings’.

“I wanna master my urinary bladder muscles and last longer than a pornstar in bed” said a man who asked to stay anonymous.

One thing is for sure, the House of Kegel will change how we perceive the traditional gym experience.

Definition: Pelvic floor exercise, or Kegel exercise (/
ˈkeɪɡəl/, /ˈkiːɡəl/), consists of repeatedly contracting and relaxing the muscles that form part of the pelvic floor, now
sometimes colloquially referred to as the “Kegel muscles”.
Exercises are usually done to reduce urinary incontinence, reduce urinary incontinence after childbirth, and reduce
premature ejaculatory occurrences in men,
as well as to increase the size and
intensity of erections. They were first
described in 1948 by Arnold Kegel.

Ati Cashless transport? woi!

I am a self proclaimed hustler, and proud of that fact. I’m proud of my ghetto roots and the culture that we have developed of always looking for a better deal.

For example, when I go to the shop I have an ‘Indian like’ instinct of finding a better deal and always yell “Discount baana”. Even when I have the privilege of finally visiting a supermarket I’m always on the lookout for stuff is on special offer or try to get the cashier to give me a discount “I’ve bought five chewing gums…. Give me a quantity discount baana!”

Part of my culture and survival is dependent on public transport. You see, the last time I paid actual fare was back in 2010. How do I do this? Good question. I will introduce you to a famous quote from Rastafari Shakespeare who resides in Githurai….. “Mwanaume ni Ku adapt kama Chameleon” (For the non-swahili readers, this means that you should go to school and do a short swahili course)

My adaptation methods include stuff like “Haiya, I left my wallet home….. Let me alight here and walk back”, or I just market the matatu for the conductors and help him get some passengers (Yes, I’m that man you have seen in a suit shouting “Beba beba beba…..”

Now that the government wants to introduce a cashless system in the transport system, life I’d going to be harder. The game will change forever. First of all, we will have broke drivers and conductors. Yes, everyone knows that conductors take extra cash from their routine collections. Its a fact. As a result, the local alcohol industry will collapse….. Don’t ask me why, but ask KRA about revenue and you will see.

How will I survive with my meagre salary now? The fare money. Eat in to my kibanda and mutura money rendering these two suppliers potentially jobless. At this rate I will be broke for the next 5 years and won’t be able to get a girlfriend…… Aki serikali saidia!

bad fathers need appreciation too…..

Fathers day, to be honest I don’t know anybody who knows how to celebrate this day. I mean, what do you get your dad? The big piece of chicken?

Today I am going to appreciate the terrible dads. Why? They have been equally important in the development of society.

Let me shout out the different types of fathers

The Passive Father: Yes, the dad who was remotely involved in the growth and development of his children largely leaving it to the mother. These dads made their kids see their mothers as an example on whose masculine qualities to emulate and most importantly helped their kids lose that need of fatherly approval (Which is important in early childhood btw)

The Critical Father: Shout out to the dads who tried to achieve their own dreams through their kids in an attempt to either control or improve their self worth. Shout out to them for having the need to have their kids do stuff their way so that they could say to their friends “yeah, My kid got this PHD like me”, thus making their kid neglect their true calling and become average at something he was not really good at.

The Abusive father: shout out to these dads that helped their kids become those who seek approval from society because their confidence was never developed at an early age.

The Example dad: Shout out to the dads whose actions didn’t match their words. “Don’t drink my son”…. Said the drunk dad. “Work had my son”…. Said the lazy dad.

The Absent dad. Shout out to the absent dads who were not strong enough to take responsibility for their kids and delegated the role to society.

Finally…. Shout out to the children of the above dads who through forgiveness and understanding have decided to become better parents. The above dads are cool too……

How a girl pursues and gets you *Exclusive

It all starts when she picks her target. She is good at judging a guy based on his appearance and she can easily spot a guy who is worthy of her attention.

Soon, after basic research of your locations she ensures that she is in your proximity. A situation arises whereby you are forced to interact with her. Before you know it, she has been nice to you smiled and probably made you take her phone number.

Turns out that she is really cool. She even compliments you, something other girls have rarely done. Ego massaging and all. She replies to your texts and before you know it you have asked her out on a date after she subtly hinted “Hey, we should do lunch”. This is where you summon your internal financial planner and mobilise date funds.

She is really good. She asks all the right questions. “What do you do?”, “Are you seeing someone?”, “what are your views on sex or relationships”, “how do you think money should be handled?” and other vetting questions just to see if you fit her bill. She throws you off when you give a dumb answer when she says “I wouldn’t take a guy seriously if he didn’t do….. Blah blah”

An alarm goes off in your mind. ‘Challenge accepted’. She is replying to your texts and their frequency has increased. Then one day, out of the blue she calls you “Honey”. This does crazy stuff to you.

The thought of her becoming your girlfriend crosses your mind. You justify your attraction to her with a logical answer like “She has nice dresses”. Since she did her research well, she strategically places herself in your life by adopting similar habits.

If you are a fitness guy, she says “I wanna start jogging too”. There is always some similarity that she will find that will make you think that she is a perfect fit for you. After days of contemplating and lying to your boys “Man, I can’t fall for a girl” you one day find yourself confessing your love for her. Like a little bitch you try to find a way to express your emotions and her, being the smart lady that she is just stands there watching, pretending not to be moved by your courage.

She is now your girl, and this is where the game begins. You now have to compliment her 5 times as much. You get to discover a side of her that you never knew. She drives you crazy to test you. You are now in constant pursuit of her like a man chasing a bus that will never stop. Remember when she used to chase you? That was the bait. Now its your job to be a man and constantly chase her and keep her interest plus trust.

Don’t fall for this trap!

Kenyan Male socialite ‘Buggz Beiby’ twerks for free phone and food

Nairobi witnessed its first male socialite, Buggz Beiby as he twerked his way to a free phone and food at a corporate event.

”in a female dominated field, i felt like i had a calling and needed to represent fellow men and advocate for the rights of the boy child”

He is rumored to be paid up to Ksh 200 per event, but the amount may drastically reduce depending on the freebies available. watch the exclusive video here

I lost My girlfriend due to Masaku 7′s

Its difficult being a young man whose only accomplishment is watching all the series from his bed sitter. It had been a challenging month for me, and my girlfriend kept pestering me about my inability to take her out and make her feel special like her friends boyfriends made them feel.

My rat race situation could not allow me to break the bank and entertain my boo…. In fact, as a result of my mediocre salary I maintained a long distance relationship with my ‘Mtura guy’ and barber. The only person that came second to my boo was My Kibanda guy…. I just couldn’t resist chapati plus I didn’t know how to cook.

For the whole of last week, I limited my communication with my girl to messages of ‘Hi’ and ‘Hey boo, good day… I’m busy’, to which she replied…. “Its okay boo… I love u”

On occasion I would attempt to shoot down events by saying stuff like “Kids are there…. It won’t be fun….” and any other excuse. To be honest, I was secretly jealous of the other guys whom I perceived as wealthier or much more fun to hang around with.

Then Saturday came….. Masaku 7′s day. I sent her the regular morning text, but she would not reply. I was confused and consoled my self with the “Maybe she is still asleep statement”. I later purchased an 8mb bundle that was just enough to scroll through five Instagram pics.

What I saw on the third pic would induce hundreds of face palms and curses. I was wide eyed and breathing fast. If I can recall, I even produced a tension fart (And just in case you are wondering…. Yes some poop and foul smell came out…. I showered later on though….. And threw away the boxers. Hopefully some street kid will pick it up, wash it and I will have finally given back to humanity and the needy)

She was in a fancy vehicle and commented ‘En route to Masaku drunk already going crazy #TurntUp #SingleLadies #Boobs #Ratchetry #BadBitches #NoBra (Okay, I’m lying about the #NoBra hashtag… But it does sound funny)

I hurriedly woke up, searched for my wallet and in anger used my kibanda money to buy some airtime that would be solely used to stalk my own girlfriend on Instagram. She looked so much prettier. She never dressed like that during her bedsitter visits.

To my disappointment, she never posted any more pics. So there I was, a hungry jealous man who was dumped via hashtags. That night I put on my heartbreak playlist and never slept. Sunday and Monday have been the hardest for me. Why? The guy who took her for Masaku tagged her in more photos some of him kissing her and even groping her ass.

Thank you Masaku 7′s for making me lose my girlfriend. I hate you!